I've been having a rough time of it today. I feel totally sapped of energy and motivation.
There's any number of possible causes, some of the recent discussions in social media have increased the stress I mentioned in my last update and further depressed me.
Alternately It could well be my medication. Today is day ten of a two week course of doxycycline. I developed boils in several different parts of my body & the doctor gave me them in an attempt to knock out whatever it was.
I've also had my oestrogen dose doubled & started on that about 5 days back. To be honest I'm scared shirtless that it's the oestrogen change and not the doxycycline. If I have to stop the oestrogen it will be "In obitum ex animo" (Death of the soul) or, as Philip Dick put it, "Mors ontologica" (Death of being). Whichever phrase resonates better, the light will go out in my eyes, the body will continue, but it will be an empty husk.
Never mind, I'll know soon enough.
The worst thing about the boils is I felt really ill. Tessa & were due to go down to Hamilton that night & contacted them to ask if we could be in the first half of the show so we got home at a reasonable hour. When they heard what was wrong they convinced us not to come. On the upside I picked up an extra gig on Tuesday night when I was feeling a lot better so I performed two nights in a row. Practice.
Before I get on with a progress report when I visited my GP practice about the boils it was a "walk in" consultation & I didn't get my regular GP but one of the other doctors there. Before asking me what was wrong he looked at my file, asked me what medication I was on (reasonable as some is from the GP & some from the specialist.) I told him, he looked back at the file puzzled so I said "I'm transgender" & relieved he said, "I was starting to work that out." He asked how it was going so I told him the story about being transfixed seeing my breasts in the mirror and prodding them. He went all poker faced & said "Some breast tissue development". Classic.
So what's happened? Slow and steady progress in the growth of breasts and bottom. Still no sign of hips. The weeping from my nipple piercing has gone and it has re-healed, I'm now convinced it was just the old scar tube. I discussed it with my endocrinologist & he agreed with my contention that if there was any infection it was best to leave the piercing in place as I didn't want the ends healing and a cyst forming in my nipple (he shuddered at that last point) My bum is noticeably larger & I can sit longer on hard seats.
There's also a psychological change. For a couple of years I've felt need to wear a skirt & padded bra when performing and for most of that time the bra whenever out. Now my body is changing I feel more confident and comfortable with my body & find I am quite happy going out in a top over a thin strap tank top over a tight top and bengalene or elastane pants. I love the feel of them fitting tight against my bum. I've even performed like this a couple of times in this case with a simple bright red tee over the tank & drawn the audience's attention to the breasts, it's the set-up for a joke so I may keep doing this for a while. I know there will come a time when they are sufficiently large that I'll need a bra for physical comfort & that's something I'm looking forward to.
When I did comedy on Tuesday I was talking to another comedian and a friend of his after the show. The seats were unyielding flat wooden slats & after a while the other comedian complained about this. I took great joy in saying that thanks to my bum getting more padding I was quite comfortable suggesting he goes on oestrogen to ease the discomfort. As so often, he didn't know how to reply. Playing on other people's PC is a wonderful thing.
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